Oh Capcom, oh Nintendo, let me count the ways in which Capcom vs SNK 2 on the Gamecube sucks donkey arse. The bane of humankind begins with the joypad. Revolutionary, yes, if all games used at most two buttons. However, Nintendo, in the real world, there’s more than two functions in a game; not everything is a Mario clone or Pokemon fucking Battle menus. Your choice of pad layout is beyond human suffering. I fought with the Dreamcast for a while until I finally accepted the four-button layout ala SNES, but what you’ve delivered isn’t just different, it’s like controlling a game with a heat-affected Rubiks cube.
Capcom should pay here too. Your choice to provide an utterly fucking incomprehensibly stupid GC-ISM mode promotes newbies to be pulling Dragon Punches and level threes with the least of skill and effort, thereby reducing a complex, tight game requiring practise down to an ongoing Special-Moves-A-Go-Go episode where smashing the yellow analog around qualifies as “playing the game”.
You have both lost big, big marks for this treachery to the human spirit.
I fucking hate memory cards, by the way. I can’t even save basic information to the console - I’m surprised I can even set the Goddamned date without requiring an extra $30 purchase.
Nintendo, you can go. Capcom, please stay, as I’m not finished yet. The more I play your… game, the more horrified and the less surprised I get at the design decisions you’ve made. What initially scared me, the announcer, has become a secondary concern; the fucking music is worse. My God. For a start, it’s montrously loud and overbearing; I can hardly hear the sound effects. Of course, as is usual with console games, you don’t offer a volume setting for the music - I have option to kill it altogether or keep it tearing at my soul above everything else. However, I could accept the volume if the background tunes — and I use the word ‘tunes’ in the badly-made-midi-file-on-a-pc-speaker sense — qualified as more than elevator music. Things started going downhill in Alpha 3, let alone the early Versus Series games, but there is no justification for your endless “this is true love we’re making” tune blaring repeatedly. Awful, like sandpaper to the senses.
We’re getting deeper into the problems of this pile of unpolished junk: gameplay and balance. I was so pleased to discover that Shin Akuma has been somewhat… toned down… in this game. I wasn’t so pleased to discover that he’s now the weakest character. Get this: Geese beat me by hitting me three times. Three times. And this is in that single fighter mode, where we’re both supposed to be of equal strength. Balance, boys! I think you misplaced it after the Alpha series finished. I could continue with this, too: God Rugal, when under the computer’s control, can kill with three moves, yet when I use him I tend to die faster than if I use standard Ryu. I do not understand this.
Part of the problem lies in how your AI has gotten progressively worse over the years. I played Super Street Fighter II Turbo again the other day; I was pleasently surprised to be beaten senseless by Ken in the second match. Those characters had much better AI than your recent efforts, which I also can’t understand. How can a Mega Drive play better than a Gamecube? There’s an exponential difference in processing power - spend some R&D time on porting some intelligence over.
To compensate for the computer’s stupidity, you’ve taken to increasing the attack and defence points of the CPU as the difficulty ‘increases’: Hardest mode is only hard because I lose a quarter of my energy per hit, forcing me to play either incredibly defensively or equally aggressively. Neither is fun. What happened to strategy?
I’ll keep burning while I have the strength. Let’s move on to the style. Earlier games featured move priority - this has disappeared from the radar too. Now, every second attack results in both characters recieving damage; I’ve suffered more double KOs in the last week than I’ve ever had with other fighting games. Even Supers have no priority. I’m primarily a C-Groove player, so I can’t speak for the other grooves, but I keep getting knocked out of things with simple moves that should be overriden. Maybe it’s because the collision bounding boxes are way out, or maybe it’s because of the SNK connection. I don’t know. Either way, it’s fucking me off, and should be fixed. There’s a reason I pull a Special move, and by definition it has more priority than standard moves.
There’s so many other things: Zangief’s cheap tactics and ridiculous damage imbalance, Cammy’s strange MVC combo-able low forward kick, everything related to that cheap Nakoslutslut, Genjuro’s absense, Guile’s absolute uselessness, the fucking menu system that takes ten minutes to get to the point, the forty five screens one has to suffer through even in versus mode, the fucking character textures being half the resolution of the backgrounds, the character’s palettes consisting of six colours on a console doing 32-bit, the whole seven backgrounds we get, the… [so on, and so forth]
Bad. Terribly unpolished, trying too hard at things that just don’t work. Streamline the menu system. Kill the bloat. Fix the palettes. More backgrounds. Burn down the studios where the music was recorded and sacrifice the composer’s first born. Get rid of Zangief and the fuckwit with the ball and chain and the cheap helper character. Wankers. And hire some Goddamned QA staff and some testers. I cannot believe this passed through a dedicated QA department. If it did, you know what I would recommend.
Oh, while I’m at it, I want someone to cut Athena in half with a chainsaw so the little skank can’t sparkle teleport anymore. She really fucks me off.