{"id":47,"date":"2008-07-10T18:24:54","date_gmt":"2008-07-10T07:24:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/?p=47"},"modified":"2008-07-10T18:37:20","modified_gmt":"2008-07-10T07:37:20","slug":"under-a-velvet-cloak","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/2008\/07\/under-a-velvet-cloak\/","title":{"rendered":"Under a Velvet Cloak"},"content":{"rendered":"

Last year, encour\u00adaged by a friend, I start\u00aded read\u00ading the Incar\u00adna\u00adtions of Immor\u00adtal\u00adi\u00adty books<\/a>. The first dealt with the per\u00adson\u00adi\u00adfi\u00adca\u00adtion of Death and was suf\u00adfi\u00adcient\u00adly kooky enough to engage me in the series. I appre\u00adci\u00adat\u00aded the char\u00adac\u00adter devel\u00adop\u00adment, the pes\u00adsimistic humour and the bizarre sit\u00adu\u00ada\u00adtions that changed Zane\u2019s per\u00adspec\u00adtive on his role as care\u00adtak\u00ader of the dying.<\/p>\n

The series\u2019 qual\u00adi\u00adty nose\u00addived dra\u00admat\u00adi\u00adcal\u00adly as it went on. Char\u00adac\u00adters became absurd\u00adly sin\u00adgle-mind\u00aded and tire\u00adsome sex scenes became a focus. Impor\u00adtant rela\u00adtion\u00adships felt flat and the plot became con\u00advo\u00adlut\u00aded. There was a point in the fifth book where the main char\u00adac\u00adter is tour\u00ading the world in a whale search\u00ading for a song to lit\u00ader\u00adal\u00adly move moun\u00adtains that I actu\u00adal\u00adly thought \u201cWhat is this shit I\u2019m reading?\u201d.<\/p>\n

The sixth book was prac\u00adti\u00adcal\u00adly straight erot\u00adi\u00adca man\u00adgling a uni\u00adverse I\u2019d once enjoyed. Being near the end of the series and want\u00adi\u00adng to know how loose ends tied up I strug\u00adgled through it anyway.<\/p>\n

The sev\u00adenth book was mem\u00ado\u00adrable only because it offered a con\u00adclu\u00adsion. The ridicu\u00adlous plot twists and banal char\u00adac\u00adter devel\u00adop\u00adment includ\u00aded the mind-numb\u00ading sto\u00adry of a under\u00adage pros\u00adti\u00adtute sleep\u00ading with an old\u00ader male judge of obvi\u00adous\u00adly ques\u00adtion\u00adable char\u00adac\u00adter<\/em> who lat\u00ader gets nom\u00adi\u00adnat\u00aded for posi\u00adtion of God<\/em> by the Incar\u00adna\u00adtion of Nature, who inci\u00adden\u00adtal\u00adly is Satan\u2019s lover. Satan is actu\u00adal\u00adly a good man but he\u2019s ass-tap\u00adping any\u00adthing that walks so he appears evil to every\u00adone else. The demoness who tempt\u00aded him to become Satan has left to become a house\u00admaid for a pop band liv\u00ading inside the afore\u00admen\u00adtioned whale. What? Then the ghost woman who tried to rape a main char\u00adac\u00adter while trans\u00adformed into a man becomes God. Did I men\u00adtion that every woman in this series is absolute\u00adly phe\u00adnom\u00ade\u00adnal\u00adly gor\u00adgeous \u2014 \u201cthe most beau\u00adti\u00adful of her gen\u00ader\u00ada\u00adtion\u201d \u2014 and all men are con\u00adcerned only with sex, rape and violence?<\/p>\n

17+ years since the series should have died its long over\u00addue death comes the real finale, Under a Vel\u00advet Cloak. I\u2019ll cut to the chase. Under a Vel\u00advet Cloak is one of the worst books I have ever read.<\/strong> We\u2019ve bare\u00adly start\u00aded, four per\u00adcent in, when the thir\u00adteen-year-old main char\u00adac\u00adter is giv\u00aden a mag\u00adic amulet to put in her \u201clove chan\u00adnel\u201d overnight so she can lat\u00ader fit the man of \u201cmid\u00addling ear\u00adly-adult\u00adhood\u201d who gave it to her. Hark ye care\u00adful phrasing.<\/p>\n

A few pages lat\u00ader she\u2019s pork\u00ading him and from here on it\u2019s all about her irre\u00adsistible seduc\u00adtive pow\u00ader over old\u00ader men. She moves on to work\u00ading at a broth\u00adel. No one in this book acts like an adult or has any sense of respon\u00adsi\u00adbil\u00adi\u00adty; lat\u00ader she hires a pae\u00addophile body\u00adguard who informs her he likes boys \u201cbetween six and eight\u201d. After hand\u00ading him her baby she thinks to her\u00adself, \u201che\u2019s a good man\u201d. Lady, you are fucked up<\/em>. What incred\u00adi\u00adble dis\u00adtor\u00adtions were going through Piers Antho\u00adny\u2019s mind while writ\u00ading this?<\/p>\n

Then our hero\u00adine Ker\u00ade\u00adna becomes a sex-addict\u00aded mag\u00adic vam\u00adpire who trav\u00adels in space and time to take a course in data\u00adbase man\u00adage\u00adment. No, I\u2019m serious.<\/p>\n

Imag\u00adine you were hav\u00ading a con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtion with a neu\u00adrot\u00adic sex-addict with Touret\u00adte\u2019s tics and three per\u00adson\u00adal\u00adi\u00adties, only one of whom can fol\u00adlow a top\u00adic for more than ten sec\u00adonds at a time and who only sur\u00adfaces at ran\u00addom. Imag\u00adine also that this per\u00adson writes fan fic\u00adtion for Buffy. That\u2019s how this book reads. It\u2019s not just an edi\u00adtor that it\u2019s in dire need of \u2014 it\u2019s a com\u00adplete fuck\u00ading rewrite. Ker\u00ade\u00adna is moved between sit\u00adu\u00ada\u00adtions with no care for con\u00adti\u00adnu\u00adity. She has no chance to endear her\u00adself to the read\u00ader and there\u2019s no oth\u00ader mem\u00ado\u00adrable char\u00adac\u00adters. Her entire cru\u00adsade \u2014 to exact revenge on the oth\u00ader Incar\u00adna\u00adtions for ignor\u00ading her \u2014 is an unten\u00adable crock of shit. I can see why they did\u00adn\u2019t want to know her. Please also con\u00adsid\u00ader this mar\u00advel of deus ex machi\u00adna<\/em> just after Ker\u00ade\u00adna is balked by the real\u00adi\u00adsa\u00adtion she\u2019ll need the secrets of every\u00adone on earth:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cThere need to be many of you,\u201d Van\u00adja said, smiling.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow that may be fea\u00adsi\u00adble,\u201d More\u00adly said. \u201cDo the pow\u00aders of Night include mul\u00adti\u00adply\u00ading yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ker\u00ade\u00adna inves\u00adti\u00adgat\u00aded. Then she split into three copies of her\u00adself. \u201cYes,\u201d the three said together.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Cri\u00adsis avert\u00aded! Then she phas\u00ades out to have sex with Gabriel, chief mes\u00adsen\u00adger of God.<\/p>\n

I just want\u00aded a con\u00adclu\u00adsion to the series, but even the book\u2019s end\u00ading is pro\u00adtract\u00aded. The end bat\u00adtle\u2026 take a guess at what hap\u00adpens. Sex bat\u00adtle! And when Ker\u00ade\u00adna wins, she hosts a par\u00adty that turns into an orgy.<\/p>\n

This entire nov\u00adel is non\u00adsen\u00adsi\u00adcal garbage. It\u2019s fic\u00adtion a horny twelve-year-old would write with one hand then post on a mes\u00adsage board, and at least he\u2019d do it anony\u00admous\u00adly. There\u2019s very few books that have got\u00adten me so angry, but wow Piers Antho\u00adny, this book sucks<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I fol\u00adlowed Under a Vel\u00advet Cloak by start\u00ading The Pup\u00adpet Mas\u00adters by Hein\u00adlein almost imme\u00addi\u00adate\u00adly after. Lis\u00adter\u00adine.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last year, encour\u00adaged by a friend, I start\u00aded read\u00ading the Incar\u00adna\u00adtions of Immor\u00adtal\u00adi\u00adty books. The first dealt with the per\u00adson\u00adi\u00adfi\u00adca\u00adtion of Death and was suf\u00adfi\u00adcient\u00adly kooky enough to engage me in the series. I appre\u00adci\u00adat\u00aded the char\u00adac\u00adter devel\u00adop\u00adment, the pes\u00adsimistic humour and the bizarre sit\u00adu\u00ada\u00adtions that changed Zane\u2019s per\u00adspec\u00adtive on his role as care\u00adtak\u00ader of [\u2026]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wp_typography_post_enhancements_disabled":false,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=47"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/47\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=47"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=47"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/xhva.net\/log\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=47"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}