log

About xhva

I wrote this a few years ago, and apart from some obvi­ous­ly out-of-date errors, it still sums me up pret­ty well. Don’t mind the melodrama.

some­thing kin­da sad about
the way that things have come to be.
desen­si­tized to everything;
what became of subtlety?

This par­tic­u­lar page is sup­posed to be about me, the per­son in my life who I know the best. It’s a pity that with­out hav­ing expe­ri­enced the mas­sive ordeal of get­ting to know me, I can’t give an alto­geth­er accu­rate assess­ment. Cue a dra­mat­ic shift in per­spec­tive as I shrug off the mor­tal­ly-fixed first-per­son cam­era and try to describe myself from the outside…

Andrew is about 5“11′, with auburn hair, brown eyes, and Eng­lish skin. Trans­la­tion: tall, skin­ny, and white. A short list of his inter­ests would include pro­gram­ming, graph­ic design, intel­li­gent music, phi­los­o­phy, con­sole games, and the exquis­ite mus­cu­la­ture, move­ment, and aura of a guy. He also enjoys the look of sur­prise that’s pass­ing over your face.

Andrew is a major pain to go dri­ving with as he can’t nav­i­gate. He’s hope­less with street signs, although he can read obscure pro­gram doc­u­men­ta­tion and remem­ber it ver­ba­tim, years lat­er. He spends hours pour­ing through infor­ma­tion to men­tal­ly reverse engi­neer how a sys­tem is imple­ment­ed. If he builds some­thing and it doesn’t seem to fit, he’ll tear it apart and build it bet­ter. He isn’t afraid to wipe the can­vas clean if the pic­ture is terrible.

Andrew tries to mul­ti­task and fre­quent­ly fails. He works bet­ter alone, unin­terupt­ed, and in the dark, as he is now. He is a night per­son, his cre­ative thought com­ing at ungod­ly hours.

He tries to go out look­ing as he wants, not as he should. His like for for­mal clothes is occa­sion­al­ly mis­tak­en for snob­bi­ness, but he just enjoys feel­ing neat. Unfor­tu­nate­ly that neat­ness doesn’t car­ry over to his room, his desk, or his floor.

He doesn’t shop a lot. Andrew has a dis­taste for cap­i­tal­ism and a stronger dis­taste for com­mer­cial­ism. He would rather spend on expe­ri­ences than pos­ses­sions. He likes Tyler Dur­den. “The things you own end up own­ing you.”

He can some­times stare into a screen so intense­ly he for­gets he’s there. He can see his hands typ­ing but doesn’t know how they’re doing it. The small box of CRT becomes his world at those times, so close he can’t stand it, but so far away it’s intangible.

His favourite song of all time is Bon­nie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, fol­lowed by Tool’s “Third Eye”. He knows the sor­row and need in the first and the des­per­ate search of the sec­ond. He can fall into music and dis­ap­pear for hours at a time.

Blue is now his favourite colour. Red was his first favourite, then yel­low. He thinks that’s because of how his life, anger and under­stand­ing has changed. He has not researched this but finds it inter­est­ing how a lot of peo­ple his age buy red cars.

He doesn’t have a huge cir­cle of friends. There is a wari­ness that lim­its his inter­ac­tion with oth­er peo­ple. He finds putting oth­ers in a posi­tion of trust is hard, but he does believe in a com­mon good­ness. Social gath­er­ings are enter­tain­ing but aren’t a big part of his life. He wants a close cir­cle of peo­ple as his fam­i­ly, not a thou­sand dis­tant relatives.

He dis­likes drink­ing estab­lish­ments for the most part, because he wants to talk with a per­son, not their blood alco­hol con­tent. Andrew does not drink alco­hol, take drugs, or smoke. He likes to stay accute­ly aware of the sen­sa­tions around him. This could be because he’s afraid of the temp­ta­tion to cross his shad­ow, or just because he finds he can relax with­out intoxication.

He gets frus­trat­ed eas­i­ly. His anger is quick to rise but not to sur­face unless invi­ta­tion says oth­er­wise. Giv­en the right audi­ence he will expound on a point until the nail is flush. He likes to sort prob­lems out direct­ly and occa­sion­al­ly asks ques­tions he knows he shouldn’t ask.

He wants some­one in his life to adopt and to adopt him. A rela­tion­ship is intri­cate, the beau­ty in detail; each is infi­nite­ly unique and irreplacable.

so good to see you
i’ve missed you so much
so glad it’s over
i’ve missed you so much

i came out to watch you play
why are you run­ning away?
i came out to watch you play
why are you running?